You know those days when you just feel like a pile of shit? The days when you can’t see the point of anything, least of all your own existence? I do. I’ve had countless such days. Days where I wake up feeling “blue” and nothing is going right. Days when I don't feel close to God or like I'm living like He would want. These days often drift into weeks -- or even months and years. Usually, it’s because I feel like I’m not living out the purposes for which I was put on the earth. When I feel like I'm not living up to what I should, a listless weariness starts to suffocate me. Soon anxiety sees a welcome spot to land and proceeds to do so. Then worry and depression creep in and all of a sudden, or slow and steady like water rising, I feel lost and distant from joy, life, God, people, and even my own self.
At times like these, I have tried working my way back to joy and purpose and closeness with God. I read my Bible more religiously, pray harder, even try thinking of others more...but nothing changes.
The only way I’ve found out of this Cave of Sadness known by so many names is by the simple act of remembering who I am and resting in that knowledge. I remember: God is my Dad (Father is not a used word in my relational history, so I use Dad). Good dads delight in their children; they simply want to be and do things and rest with them. That's what my Heavenly Dad has shown me. I've learned that God loves to lift up humble people and bring low the people who try to do things all on their own, because that’s just not how we were made to operate.
In light of all this, to counteract the Cave of Sadness I literally get on my knees (first thing in the morning to set the tone of my day, though any time is good) and say, "Good morning, Dad!" I bask in my place in His heart, remembering that He has made me a new creation in Him. I remember that the New Self is who He calls my real true self. He sees me as completely covered by Jesus' sacrifice. God sees me as perfect and delightful and new -- right now! I relish and luxuriate in this place, in my true identity as God's son and the implications that furnish the reality of God being my Dad. I stop and let this sink in to the deep crevices of my soul. I ask Him how He's doing. Stop and listen for his response. I chat about the day ahead with Him, asking Him to lead and guide me through it to bless and enrich other peoples' lives and usher his beautiful desires into every situation, inviting Him into every second of it. I talk with Him about the people on my heart, asking Him to sow specific goodnesses into their days. All throughout the time I pepper in "thank you's" for every good thing I can think up, from my pillow, to food, to friends and his ever unfolding love. I build up an atmosphere of gratitude inside my heart and mind.
Sometimes just switching my focus to these thoughts has snapped me out of the darkness that was shrouding out any light from my perspective. Sometimes it takes time for the shadows to flitter away. But, when I make these thoughts and prayers into a habit pretty soon joy and peace and healthy thinking set in. I don't have to strive after happiness, I just have to agree with the view my good, benevolent Heavenly Dad has of me...what a delicious place to live. I just receive God's view of me and trust that His is a more accurate view of a deep, eternal reality than what I can see. Joy. Peace. Rightness. This is your Kingdom, God? I could get used to this. So I try to (Rom. 14:17). I practice resting on my Papa's chest, letting His provision spread peace through my mind. Life becomes a journey in which I seek to sow this peace and joy and rightness wherever I go. In this place, my purpose is made clear: Do just that.
A note: If you are currently struggling with the lows of clinical depression, you might read this essay as imploring you to ‘try harder’--which is actually the opposite of what I intend. I believe God can bring healing to any situation, but only he knows exactly what you need. I encourage you to listen to Him and the Family of God around you. Mental illness is a real issue that deserves no shame, but only support -- listen to the Lord for where you should seek that support.
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