He was never his self when he was with his friends, not really, not fully. They didn't completely get him. They were definitely his friends, you couldn't deny that. They got his intellectual side. They connected there deeply. It's just, he still wasn't comfortable, not completely, in their presence--in anyone's presence for that matter.
This was me for 18 years.
It's so difficult to be your self around other people. Pain teaches us that vulnerability is dangerous, and walls are safe. It's hard enough being your honest self when no one else is around, much less when there's an audience judging and ranking your every word. It's when you're not with judges that you don't have to worry how you score, those rare times when you don't even hear the judges in your own head. That's what happens when you're with people just love you and see the best in you. Those rare birds who dig up the gold buried in the depths of your soul and bring it to the surface for the sun to make it shine. Those are the people we crave to be around and in whose company we exult.
Most of the time though, we aren't around those people. Most of the time we feel a judge in the room. And who can really perform well when there's a judge presiding, gavel poised to declare your insufficiencies at any wrong turn? No one. That's the point. The key to being your self is getting the judges out of the room. That's one of most liberating things Jesus did for us, place us in good standing before God, the real Judge. He answered the judge question for us in the most profound way. He took away every judgement that can be made against us and wrapped us in a new, clean, perfect identity. We are God's sons and daughters. He is pleased with us--with you, with me.
The day I realized this, when it really sank from my mind through my mouth down into my heart, it changed me profoundly. I don't remember the verse I was reading, I think it was in Ephesians, and it hit me. There's really only one opinion that matters in the whole world and the person who holds that opinion loves, accepts, and cares about me! Before I realized this, I was generally considered a shy person by anyone who knew me. But when I realized the significance and state of God's opinion of me, I stopped worrying so much about what other people were thinking. I was loved by the one who's opinion matters most. When I entered conversations I suddenly wasn't worried so much about what that person thought of me. That freed up my mind to think about ways I could love and build them up. That's how we are designed to interact with each other, so full of God's love that it overflows on those around us. It's a process of daily coming to the river to take a dip and drink your fill. Daily, every moment, lavishing in the remembrance of His presence in your midst. He is with you and He says you are strong, wise, and good. Believe the words He speaks over you and know your place in Him is safe. Set. Secure.
I don't do this perfectly. I often forget all about who I truly am and drift into thinking the common thoughts that lie all around me. We are all works in process. It's a daily effort to fight those pervading ways of thinking which work sound like anything less than the truth God speaks about you. Surround your self with His words over you; with the truth of His Word; with people who see the New Creation you really are. Speak those perspectives over your friends and neighbors and Self. Let His light flood the crevices of your soul and make them new. You are a son of light, a daughter of the light. Fear no more.
